Monday 4 February 2013

Poly Means Many: How we communicate - D/s protocol


Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com.

My partner and I are in a D/s relationship, which means they have ownership over some parts of me, and gets to direct me some of the time. Needless to say, this takes a lot of communication.

One way we do it is to have a D/s contract, which describes some of the things that we each expect the other to do. Some of these are requirements on me -- for example, if they tell me to make them tea, I will do it! Others are things that we’ve agreed they need to do -- for example, to be mindful of my needs.

One of the biggest challenges we faced was thinking through how D/s might work alongside other important relationships. We’re both poly, and I expect to get into other relationships (or to play with friends) sometimes. We wanted to make sure our dynamic could continue to thrive alongside anything else.

We chose to add some points to the contract about this. The way it works is that I need my owner's permission to play with other people. The permission needs to be an explicit, enthusiastic, consensual ‘yes’.

I see the contract as a good thing: in poly relationships, all changes should be talked about openly and mechanisms to ensure that should be encouraged. A great thing about protocol is that it reduces need for miscommunication because it’s written down. In this way, it’s not that different from any other agreement that it’s in place in a poly relationship (written or not).

The way our contract is set up (with me as the submissive) puts an important focus on my dominant’s needs. At the end of the day, they make the decisions, so I wouldn’t be able to start playing with someone unless she wanted. This really works for me, especially since in my experience it can be hard for poly folk to say “no, I’m not happy about this” when a new relationship is put on the table.

Ideally, I want any change in my life to be a positive one for my partner. Relationships with metamours can be big deals, so I like knowing that my partner wouldn’t acquire one without really wanting to.

It’s interesting that I’ve never felt that being submissive means I’m on a weaker footing when it comes to negotiation, because the process of revising the contract encourages so much openness. Contracts encourage adult conversation because they are direct - there is no passive aggressive, sulky behaviour in sight.

But, although a D/s contract might be novel, it’s not really what makes communication work for us.

One thing to realise is that, although protocols and contracts seem quite rule based, at their heart, they’re not. D/s is about play, and protocol is a bit like a game - agreements can be adapted at any time to suit the needs of both players.

The current rule has come about because we both want it that way. The hard work about constantly talking and refining our views still happens underneath. Contract review sessions offer one more opportunity to do that, but it’s pretty much a constant process anyway.

Really, the secret to communication is simple - you need to put in effort. A lot of it. Our D/s contract only covers a small proportion of the things we need to talk about, but it makes those things fun and explicit, so works for us.

1 comment:

  1. I really like this approach, and talking about it in regards to a D/s contract. I think it provides a new and refreshing look at the whole concept of communication within poly. I particularly love how in spite of the fact that it's a 'contract', you emphasize how fluid it is, not this written in stone thing. This is great! :D

    ReplyDelete